Thursday, March 01, 2012

1st of March 2012.

I dreamt of him this morning. It was such a happy dream. I was carrying him in my arms and we were walking around. He was sleeping and smiling. It made me so happy to feel him and see him. I woke up feeling so happy and smiling too.

These past few days have been tough ones. Had been feeling depressed and just couldn't handle missing him. Its nearing the date again. I have mixed feelings. I look forward to it and I dread it all at the same time.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I dreamt of my little baby boy!

10th October 2011. I dreamt of him this morning. In my dream he had a mustache n beard. I was trimming it for him with a scissors. Weird. Anyways, I carried him in my dream too. It felt so good carrying him. I told him it felt so good to carry him n feel the weight of him on me. I miss him so much. But it made me so happy to have dreamt of him.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

I miss you!

I miss u Mathias. I miss u so much. It hurts so much everyday without u. I sit here looking at ur pics everyday n wishing I can hold u again. This is so much more than I can bear.

It's going to be a month without u. N it has not gotten any better. I still hurt as much if not worse. I miss ur presence so much my honeypie. This sucks so bad. I am very worried abt whether I can handle this.

Ur papa is not going to be around this thurs where it's ur death anniversary of a month. I have serious doubts abt whether I can hold up.

I sometimes wonder why this had to happen. Why God chose u to be my son n me ur mother. Why He allowed u to be born with this genetic disease Menkes. Although he allowed us this precious time together but I still can't understand why he did it. It hurts so much to be without u now. Why couldn't He let u be born healthy n be with us longer? Did I cherish u more cause of ur sickness?

I have only memories of u now n it's not enough. It's never enough. I will forever hurt n miss u my merky boy! It takes so much of me everyday without u. Can I last? I need to. Please remember mama. Cause mama is pining for u my baby boy.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


29 June 2008 - 6 September 2011

My beloved Mathias. Little baby angel!

Monday, September 19, 2011

Long days

Days without Mathias is tough. A heavy cross to be carried. One I wish would never have happened. I miss my baby so much. I only cry once in awhile. I have good days n bad days. Bad days are really bad. Sometimes i feel like lying there and not doing anything. Takes too much effort to get going even. But i wake up early everyday. Can't sleep too late either. My body doesn't allow me rest. I feel tired all the time. I wish to see him now. Enfold him in my arms once again. But i know its not to be. Trudging along till the day I get to see him again.

Saturday, September 03, 2011

Hardest journey ever taken!

Today is e 3rd of September. Here I sit on my bed next to Mathias at
6.03am. His breathing is loud n labored. It sounds cluttered with phlegm. His catheter is once again clogged. Would need to flush it once again later after giving a call to his nurses.

I feel very scared. I know that this is e toughest journey I have ever made so far. Not one I would have chosen for myself. But if this is what God has planned for me, I will walk through it n become a stronger person.

In 2004, 3rd of September, amazingly I was also losing someone who meant so much to me. I am surprised that it's happening around e same time. But looking back now, that cannot even compare with e loss now. I know that God will guide me through this just like e last time. I thought i wouldn't make it through then but I did. I became a much better person and one who knew my emotions n myself better. I am so much happier with my husband now then I would have had with that person. But of course i didn't know it then. It was a blessing in disguise. If not for what happened, I wouldn't have been strong enough to go through this experience with Mathias. I am blessed.

It's horrible having to watch my baby suffer like that n knowing that I am losing him. Yes, I do not like losing him. It's scaring me like hell. I do not know literally how i will cope without him with me anymore. After dedicating my entire life to him, e loss n despair will be horrendous. But I also know I need to let him go cause he has fought so long already n he has fought strongly n well for so long. I am proud of Mathias. He has been so brave n strong. I cannot keep him with me for my own selfish reasons. He can do so much more in heaven. Run, laugh, walk, giggle, talk. All that he can't do on earth, he will be able to do in heaven. He is suffering so much already and it's more then enough already.

I know that some people may not understand e rational behind my husband's n my decision with caring for Mathias at home instead of e hospital. I do not expect them to understand nor agree with our decision. We know that Mathias is happier being at home then e hospital and what we want for him now is for him to be as comfortable as possible. We will give him e same care that he will receive in a hospital. There's nothing more that they can do that cannot be done at home. Yes i can send him for test n probes, but even if we do find out e causes, r we going to put him through an operation when it would not be curing him of the main problem. Menkes is not curable.

I can put him on all sorts of machines to prolong his life, but would that really be for e best. Yes, i will prolong his life but at e expense of him suffering and that is not what I want for him. I just want for him to have great memories with us and to leave when it's time. It has been a precious 3 years. I would never trade anything for it. I love my son, illness n all. I do not regret having him nor giving him my all. I regret having no tool to cure him.

Life will be hard after he is gone but we have created so many beautiful memories together. I will always remember him n carry him in my heart. He will forever be my baby!

Thursday, March 03, 2011


It's been a struggle for me. All along I've always been asking God to give me more time with Mathias. Wanting more time to be with him. Wanting him close to me. But I realized today that I have been selfish. Seeing him with his bloated tummy, taking so much medicine, loud breathing, tons of phlegm, I ask myself is this truly what I want for him. He has been such a strong n brave boy. Enough is enough. I realize that what I should be praying for instead is that for God to take him home. To end his suffering. He has fought a long n tough battle here on earth. He has fought hard n well to be here with us. And God has been gracious, giving us so much time. Obviously, it's never enough. I will always want to hold my boy, kiss him, smell him, stroke his face n head. But I have to start to let him go. I cannot continue holding on to him. I suppose he can feel it n knows. I dun want him to hang on just for me.
Although I have accepted it, a small part of me just can't let go. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed. Can I really handle this. I know eventually I will cause God will give me the strength. And he will never give me a cross too heavy to carry.
But right now, I feel so alone.