It's been a struggle for me. All along I've always been asking God to give me more time with Mathias. Wanting more time to be with him. Wanting him close to me. But I realized today that I have been selfish. Seeing him with his bloated tummy, taking so much medicine, loud breathing, tons of phlegm, I ask myself is this truly what I want for him. He has been such a strong n brave boy. Enough is enough. I realize that what I should be praying for instead is that for God to take him home. To end his suffering. He has fought a long n tough battle here on earth. He has fought hard n well to be here with us. And God has been gracious, giving us so much time. Obviously, it's never enough. I will always want to hold my boy, kiss him, smell him, stroke his face n head. But I have to start to let him go. I cannot continue holding on to him. I suppose he can feel it n knows. I dun want him to hang on just for me.
Although I have accepted it, a small part of me just can't let go. I sometimes feel so overwhelmed. Can I really handle this. I know eventually I will cause God will give me the strength. And he will never give me a cross too heavy to carry.
But right now, I feel so alone.