Thursday, August 12, 2010

I think I am going insane

I know I shouldn't be like this but I just can't help myself...I HATE "A" Dad. I am so sick n tired of fighting with him over Mathias. I have never seen a person so inconsiderate or annoying.

He is the only person who is so very dirty. Who might be a carrier of germs n viruses cause he hangs out all day long with his so called drinking pals. I totally understand that, thats his lifestyle but please spare a thought for my son. He comes back super drunk.....dirty...smelly.....n wants to come near Mathias..... I have been having this conflict with him ever since Mathias was born. If you want to play or carry Mathias, take a bath first.....or dun come near him ..... dun go near him n talk cause we dunno if his saliva will spray onto Mathias...if you know what I mean. I may sound paranoid...but because of Mathias' no immune system...I make it a point not to expose him unnecessarily.

He gets sick easily n once he is sick, his phlegm increases exponentially. It gets very difficult for him to breathe n sleep..... For people who dunno n think that Mathias is just like any other baby,.....let me tell you what happens everyday....

Before every meal, he has to be suctioned....what do I mean suction.....I have to use a machine to draw out his phlegm from his nose n throat. Its not a comfortable thing for him or for me...but one I put up with n do for his benefit.... sometimes if there's lots of phlegm, the suctioning can take about 30 mins. He has to take Ventolyn n Becotite puff once a day...... that's to open his breathing passageway.... he takes his atropine drop 3 times a day....that helps to dry up the phlegm. Nose drop 2 times a day to dry up the mucus... on top of all these, he is also on medication for his spasms ..... Valium n Chloral Hydrate twice a day.... the valium cause tons of phlegm....hence the suctioning ...... but when he gets sick.....the phlegm production increases like mad....... at this point, he won't be able to sleep thru the night....he will wake up cause he can't breathe right....I will then have to suction him before he can sleep again....sometimes, he can't go back to sleep.....sleep for Mathias is another issue.....the Chloral Hydrate n Valium helps to relax him too ..... but sometimes even that dun help.....

So knowing how much this little boy is suffering...on top of not being able to talk....eat ....move by himself..... why the hell would you want to add to his pain..... HE keeps saying that he loves him n wants to sayang him then WHY THE HELL DO YOU NOT SACRIFICE A BIT ....... don't go out all the time if you say you want to play with him....... bath n keep clean......

I simply cannot understand....n its annoying me no end. I have already made so much sacrifices for my baby boy.... I do not go out on weekdays... I stay at home with him everyday....I mean literally that I don't get to step out of the house not even to buy my lunch....... I make sure I do my marketing on the weekends so that I can have my lunch...... I have forsaken my beauty regime totally..... I can't even exercise now after giving birth..... I don't mind giving all these up cause to me ....Mathias is more important....

To me keeping him healthy n safe is the most important thing. I put in so much effort to keep him in tip top condition..... Maintenance is the word I would use.....I hate it when "A" dad comes n destroy all that.....cause he MIGHT be carrying germs....... He keeps on saying that he wants to sayang him...n I say to him that HE IS NOT SHOWING THAT WITH HIS ACTIONS!!!!!!!!!

I am trying to keep my son alive for a longer period of time..... that's all I'm doing..... More time with him..... PLEASE CAN'T HE SEE THAT ....I am so sick n tired of watching his actions everyday when he gets home. I am so tired...........really tired...... home is supposedly the safest place.....but it is not for me......I feel so upset.

When my son suffers....I suffer along with him....it hurts me to see him in pain or discomfort...... I really can't wait for my flat...I have another yr.......this sucks so bad.......

1 Comments:

At 10:48 PM , Blogger ComputerBoy said...

So sad to here what you said about your family! I'm not clear about your situation, but I just hope that Mathias' dad will be better and hope you a strong will to pass over problems.

I'm too sad to say anything. Just can I pray GOD BLESS YOU!!!

 

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