saddened

Life sure is unpredictable. I am saddened by what the doctor said. Went for a 2nd opinion at NUH. Senior consultant Dr Ong. Well, he said that Mathias's condition seems quite bad. His muscle tone on a scale of 0 to 10 is 1. That's bad right? I asked him is he trying to tell me to be prepared for the worse and he said something to that effect.

I won't deny that after hearing that, I was devastated. How can a mother hear this sort of news and not feel upset by it. It took me quite some time to get my feelings and thoughts under control. Yes, yes, I was sobbing often. Seeing kids that were fine made me tear up all over again. I was super low. I just could not understand how this could have happened. Everything is fine with Mathias just his motor skill is hampered. "A" is the one that is strong. Even when he heard what the doctor said and me crying all the time, he reminded me that it is already a blessing to have been given Mathias. That he would take whatever God gave him. He would love and care for Mathias still. I thank God that I have such a good husband.

I'm not saying that I want to change the fact that Mathias is my son but just wish that he could have a better life. It hurts and pains me to have to know that he will not be able to do things which every normal kid would do. I do not even know how it will be like. It still hurts now. But I have sorted out my thoughts and feelings. I know that I will love Mathias no matter what. I love him so much. It is a blessing to just see him every day. I will try not to think too much but just see what happens first then decide how best to help him. I will not imagine horrible scenerios. I will focus on the now. That way I won't scare myself and turn depressive. I will take one step at a time.

It hurts me to think that my son would not be able to do so many things many of us take for granted. It hurts me to think about what would happen to him should I die. These are just some of my anxieties. Its not that I don't want him as my son or regret having him. I don't. Its just that to have to see him not being able to do the simple things like sitting up by himself, not being able to crawl, roll, grab toys hurt like mad. They may seem trivial but you will never know the pain unless you have a child yourself. Sob sob. But I know I have to be strong for him. No matter what happens he will always have parents who love him very very much. He will know love and encouragement from us always. Looking back, I am happy to have had him. No matter what, it was a blessing from God.